I Will Survive!

No, this is not another karaoke moment.

"You have what it takes to be an extreme survivor! Reward yourself with a Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive" t-shirt, and feel free to taunt the predatory animal of your choice."

I got 16 out of 17 on the What Would You Do? quiz.

But there will be no taunting, sorry.


I am SO making one of these for my office.

Ah...cushy mouse pads. Brilliant.


July's Horoscope

This month finds you giving in to your life-long desire to travel across America hobo-style, watching the majestic countryside roll by from a charmingly rustic perch inside a succession of empty freight train cars. Too bad you can't fight for shit, because the real hobos don't take kindly to voluntarily homeless newbies, and they will strip you naked, smash Everclear bottles over your head, then throw your lifeless body onto the tracks, where an eastern-bound Union Pacific chemo-tanker will clip off both your legs from the crotch down. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Guess that means I should go to work this month.


Four Thumbs Up

We saw Austin Powers on Friday and I have to say it's one of the funnier movies I've seen in a long time. I definitely think it's funnier than the first two which completely goes against my whole sequel theory. Eh. Don't want to spoil any more other than to say that I absolutely loved the unexpected appearances at the beginning.

As planned, we painted the huge living room this weekend. More on that later.

And since Sweet Dave and I played hooky on Friday, I'll answer The Friday Five today. It goes a little something like this:

1. How long have you had a weblog? Only for about 6 months. I'd thought seriously about it for about a year before that, just never had the time.

2. What was your first post about? Just a short introduction to say hi and why I started.

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one? Only design changes thus far.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else? Currently I'm only using Blogger Pro, but I'm seriously thinking of making the move to MT.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place? Most of the people I read just have a weblog. There are a few that have both and those are probably the ones I enjoy the most.


She did it!! I wasn't there to witness the entire event, but I did finish reading it all this morning. Michele successfully completed the blogathon on Saturday/Sunday. As promised with many posts of debauchery, hilarity, and boobies. And a couple guest posts (and boobies) from Marge Simpson. Well, anyway, congrats.

And on to the good cause...

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for your donation to Daniel Pearl Foundation. Your donation is processed through the 4charity Foundation, a registered 501(c)3 organization, before being distributed to Daniel Pearl Foundation.


He's out

In a vote of 420-1, Traficant has been booted. Who was the 1? Gary Condit. Odd. I'm glad he's out, but the majority of the people there are doing/have done the same thing (or worse) and are still there. Enough said, enough times.

Go here for the best searchable archive of Trafficant quotes. Hilarious. I haven't read them all yet, but I'm getting there. My favorite so far: "I want to apologize to all the hookers in America for having associated them with the IRS. I say beam me up, dot com, coincidence this."


Yes, yes I am

Left anonymously on my desk today: A fortune cookie with the following fortune: "Just be yourself; you are wonderful."
It's unbelievable how unsurpising it is to find out about each new political scandal these days. I'm just so tired of it I can't even begin to write about it.

cartoon by Bruce Beattie


A New Look

So not too long after a new look here, Sweet Dave and I are going for a new look in one of our rooms of the house. The huge, 700-square-foot living room.

I've been wanting to paint the house for awhile. The entire inside of the house is white. Starch white. I have always thought since the day I moved in that some color would add a lot, especially to that room.

It's quite funny to hear Sweet Dave tell the story. I've mentioned the fact that I want to paint the room to him several times. Okay, several hundred times. And finally on Sunday, he said, "Well, if we're going to be here for a few more years at least, why don't we just paint the living room." I had no idea that was all it took to get me thinking about it seriously. As he tells it, 15 minutes later we were in Home Depot looking at color strips. Well, it might have been 20 minutes.

So we bought all the supplies and are ready to paint this weekend. All I'm hoping is the wall looks decent and we're not covered in moss/dusty chartreuse/burnt yellow.



The Friday Five

1. Where were you born? Tuscaloosa, AL when my parents were in college at Alabama

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not? I don't remember being there, I actually grew up where I am now. I really like it here as long as I can travel pretty often.

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? Definitely where I am now.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? I guess so. I feel very comfortable traveling and I think I've traveled more than most. I haven't been to Europe yet though. Yet.

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? At this point I'd have to say Portland, OR when I went for a 200-mile relay race. It was just so beautiful and different from here. The race experience probably helped since we got to see a lot of the area. In a few months, though, I'm sure this answer will change to our honeymoon to Costa Rica.
Quote of the Day

"If you don't get those cameras out of my face, I'm gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this room!" — Rep. Jim Traficant (D-Ohio) to photojournalists covering his House ethics subcomittee hearing.



A New Way

The new and improved 6 Ways to Simplify Your Life.

I like it.

You Sick Fuck

Man charged with burning kitten on a grill

Even after being rescued, the kitten did not survive.

Word of the Day

"There was no malfeance involved. This was an honest disagreement about accounting procedures. ... There was no malfeance, no attempt to hide anything." -- George W. Bush, White House press conference, Washington, D.C., July 8, 2002

Are you sure that isn't malfeasance there, Prez?

mal·fea·sance: (mal-'fE-z&n(t)s), noun, wrongdoing or misconduct especially by a public official



So I did it this past weekend. I've done it before, albeit a long time ago and never without a little coaxing. It was just never so painful as this past Friday. My friend and I ventured to the outer depths of our personalities and attempted karaoke. It was not pretty.

After much beer, we decided on the 1967 hit song Respect, by the great Aretha Franklin. I thought, "That should be pretty easy, 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T', I can handle that, maybe even have fun with it." My friend K turned the request sheet thing in to the karaoke-machine-running guy and we proceeded to drink more beer.

It must be said that there is a different breed of bar patrons when it's karaoke night. The majority of the people in this particular karaoke bar were, let's just say serious performers. There was no way the bar was making any money off them, they were drinking water and not eating any food. It was then that I realized for the first of many times that our performance wouldn't be particularly enjoyed.

The second time was when we actually started singing.

What you want, baby I got it.
What you need, you know I got it.
All I'm asking for...

The audience was all staring wide-eyed with a slight painful expression on their faces. It was at this point that I think the karaoke-machine-running guy actually turned off our microphones.

I ain’t gonna do you wrong
While you’re gone
Ain’t gonna do you wrong...

This is the point where I can tell the audience is actually feeling sorry for us up there, singing our little drunk hearts out. One girl is actually singing with us. All I can think is hoping that she'll come rescue us, because this is a pretty hard song now and I'm not enjoying myself. Then I see the part I've been waiting for on the screen.

Find out what it means to me
Take care, T-C-B

And K chimes in with,
(Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)

Well, we might as well have walked out at that point. We got our first and last hoot and that was plenty for me. We stayed through the rest of the song and walked back to our table. They clapped, but it was one of those *clap* "what the hell just happened?" *clap* type of claps. It was not the standing ovation we'd pictured.

We just wanted a little respect.



cartoon by Scott Stantis
Disturb Me

And now for this week's edition of disturbing search requests...

Uh, never seen it.

I know. Me too.

I really have no idea.

I thought they rode horses.

Algae pudding, maybe?

And coming in at number one with 51 requests -

I can't believe people are still searching for this! Please just go here.

"Over 75 percent of white Americans own their home, and less than 50 percent of Hispanos and African Americans don't own their home. And that's a gap, that's a homeownership gap. And we've got to do something about it." ---George W. Bush, Cleveland, Ohio, July 1, 2002

I need a calculator.



So, they've started. The dreaded, never forgotten, panic-inducing, nervous breakdown-causing, wedding nightmares. We're still just under seventy days and they've already started. Just about everything is done. The only big thing left is to address and mail the invitations. Yet I have this haunting feeling that I will be plagued with wedding nightmares for the next two months.

First one was about three weeks ago. I dreamed I was already six months pregnant. Sure, Sweet Dave and I have discussed the subject, but no plans, no trying, not even a glimmer yet. And silly me, I realize in the dream that I actually might not fit into my cute little hawaiian wedding dress because of my pregnant belly. Not to mention that I could quite possibly have the baby on my wedding day.

Wake up. Breathe normal.

Second one was about a week ago. I'm walking down the aisle (which I'm not going to do so I'm not sure why I dreaming this anyway) and I have these extremely heavy flowers to carry. Not heavy like "Wow, I thought this would be lighter.", heavy like, "Holy shit, how the hell am I supposed to carry this 50-lb bag of fertilizer down there?". I'm sweating, grimacing, struggling, grunting. I'm out of breath and my veins are popping of my my arm like the incredible hulk.

Wake up. Breathe normal.

The third one was a few days ago. We're up at the altar. It's actually just an arch on the beach, but whatever. We're there and everyone's in place ready for the ceremony to begin. Apparently the officiant had his back facing us, becase as he turned around to begin, it was the first time I'd ever noticed that he looked strikingly similar to a werewolf with hugh, sharp fangs.

Wake up. Breathe normal.

The fourth one was last night. We're cutting the cake. All is fine, everyone's happy, until I hear this horrible scream from across the room. Startled, I jerk my attention to the noise and the woman is pointing at me and screaming. She eventually blurts out the work "Rrrrrrooooooaach!", and I freak out and start the roach-could-possibly-be-on-me-or-going-down-my-dress dance. I finally see that the roaches are crawling out of a crack in the wall behind us. There are thousands of them. And they're coming for us. It was not pretty.

Wake up. Breathe normal.

See how they're getting more frequent, and more like horror movies?

Well, at least they're not as bad as this.



The Clock Is Back

Current count - $6.1 trillion


Groping and Probing, Oh My!

Blind Psychic Gropes Buttocks to See Future

"He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures."


Be Gone

This is it. It's over. I'm no longer letting you into my life in any way.

I've had it with you coming into my thoughts and affecting the way I act and feel. Affecting my relationship with the one who cares the most about me.

I've had it with you making me fear my jumps and leaps because I remember how I failed with you.

But I didn't fail with you, you failed me. I know that now. I know that no matter how hard I worked, there was nothing I could do to make things better, especially when I'm the only one working. I only made things better for me by ending it. I know this decision didn't make things better for you. And for that I'm not sorry. I don't care. You sucked a lot of my life and spirit from me when we were together. And I finally have it back. I'm glowing. I'm finally happy.

I had a dream about you the other night. I don't like these dreams because usually they are pretty painful, just like divorce is. Not because I miss you, but because I see myself as I used to be and I hate myself for letting it get that bad. This one moment in the dream finally told me something. I was standing next to you in a room full of people watching us, as someone was introducing us. I'm standing there half-listening and I realize that I'm not smiling. So I smile for everyone. Not because I'm happy, just so I appear happy. No wonder noone realized things were that bad. I put on a wonderful show.

If you see my smile again, don’t trust it, because it's not for you.

You are only a lesson to me.

Poof. Be gone.


This Just In

Earth will expire by 2050. I wonder what the Bush Administration will have to say about this.


I haven't seen something this funny in awhile. The Adventures of the Athiest Attorney.

Warning: If you think the Pledge of Allegiance should contain the words "under God", then you probably shouldn't go there.

I'd like to see this personal ad

"The only thing I really care about right now is boys. I go for the smelly ones. ... I don't like clean-cut, white picket-fence, khaki pants-wearing boys. All my boyfriends have been really ugly."

-- aspiring singer and MTV personality Kelly Osbourne, in a recent interview



I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you... etc.

I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
But just lately I have
The best is yet to come.
Someone like you... etc.

courtesy of Van Morrison
The Friday Five

1. Where are you right now? Sitting a work, tired after being out too late on a school night.

2. What have you lost recently? I noticed that I lost my fav blue pen this morning. Other than that, the last thing was a cajun cookbook I hid for Christmas for Dave. I still can't find it.

3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now? The Beatles White Album. Absolutely does not embarass me now.

4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? The one I just lost, a Pilot rollerball pen.

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Definitely Ben & Jerry's Phish Food (chocolate Ice cream with marshmallows, Caramel, & Fudge Fish).



For those of you out there who used to use Audiogalaxy and are searching for a replacement, check this out. It should help you make your decision as well as get you even more pissed off at RIAA.

--this post brought to you by the letter S, for sharing.
Why can't a goat get a piece?

There is actually a goat that was born with the number three in fur on her side, just like the car. They're calling her Lil' Dale, and her owner is seeing dollar signs.

And the fans are flocking to see her. As said by the owner, "Besides, if a Chihuahua can hawk tacos and a gecko can sell car insurance, why can't a goat get a piece of the spotlight too?"

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?


Bad Drivers

Sometimes I think I've been placed in a city with bad drivers just to test my patience. Today was one of those bad driver days. So I got Alanis to write me a song about it, and it goes a little something like this:

No turn signal, blue hairs, slamming on brakes
Why God, Why?
Blue hairs, too slow speed, bad drivers
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this blue horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad drivers
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Interstate, no turn signal, stop light
Why God, Why?
Bad drivers, stop light, slamming on brakes
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this blue disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad drivers
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this blue misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad drivers
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?

courtesy of Dave and this site.
Another Little League Fight

Wow. I honestly believe people like this should not have children.


My Predetermined Occupation

You shall live in a dishwasher. Your job shall be to never talk to important pez dispensers.